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By C. Jake Williams. May 15, 2008
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You won't believe me, but it happened. We pulled it off, Ryan and me.
Pulled it off despite the risk of suspension from high school, more or less.
I probably never would have tried it if not for Ryan and the leverage his popularity allowed us, but we had to try it.
What follows is the script of a skit as performed by Ryan Curry and myself during a class my senior year in high school. Believe it.
Jake: Hello and welcome to Amazing Time Savers, your home shopping connection. I'm Jake Williams. As always, operators are standing by to take your calls, and you will certainly want to call my guest for today. He brings with him an amazing time saving invention. Please welcome Ryan Curry.
Ryan: Hi Jake, thanks for having me on the show. Now Jake, do you like potato chips?
J: I love potato chips, but the problem is there are never enough chips in those tiny little bags.
R: Well what if I told you you could have more chips per bag in less than two minutes? What would you say?
J: I'd say you're a few bricks shy of a load!
R: Well Jake, I'm not. You know what, I'm gonna demonstrate my chip multiplier for you and your audience, do you think they'd like that?
J: Now this I have to see. Look at Sarah over there. She's thinking "More chips in less than two minutes? I think this guy's a few bricks shy of a load."
Now this is a complicated process, right Ryan?
R: No Jake, my invention is easy to operate because the directions are easy to follow.
J: Well, we've heard that before. You buy an appliance with easy to follow directions, you get home, and you need a Ph.D to figure it out. Usually this easy direction stuff is a big lie, like the Holocaust. (Map behind them starts lighting up as the phones start ringing off their hooks)
Are your directions really easy to follow, or are they just another Holocaust-type scam?
R: Um, they're uh, they're easy to follow. They involve just three easy steps.
J: (to the crowd) Does the audience want to see these three easy steps?
R: Ok well all you do is get your bag of chips and chip multiplier out onto the table, then open a tiny hole in the top of the bag. Then, Multiply! (Ryan hits the bag repeatedly with the 'multiplier,' which is essentially just a shiny stick) And that's it.
(Opens the bag, showing the class potato chip dust)
See how many more chips there are!
J: Oh, incredible. And so fast! Let's take some phone calls. I'm sure people want to know more about this amazing invention.
Caller 1, you're on Time Savers.
Caller 1: Are you insane? Did you just say that the Holocaust was a lie?
J: Look, there's no way of ever knowing if the Holocaust actually happened, but what we do know is this is an amazing invention.
Caller 2, you're on Time Savers.
2: This is unbelievable.
J: Isn't it, that chips were multiplied in less than two minutes!
2: No, how when I first tuned in I was telling my husband that I thought you had crazy eyes, and then you said that thing about the Holocaust. I was right: You are completely insane.
J: And so are you if you don't order this amazing chip multiplier. Thanks for your call.
Well Ryan, this chip multiplier is truly amazing, and it's made here in the USA isn't it?
R: Yes, it's an American invention that multiplies American snacks.
J: That's great, because if you're like me you're tired of buying from the Japs. (Map lights up and phones ring) Everywhere you turn it's another Jap product. They're taking over. At least with Pearl Harbor we knew we were getting attacked, but with this new invasion of products, it seems sneakier, ya know?
R: Yeah well... It's made in America Jake. But d'ya know the best part? D'ya? The price.
J: OK, here comes the catch. This has to cost a lot of money. Your invention multiplies chips in less than two minutes. It's durable and so easy to use, even a Puerto Rican could figure it out! (Map lights up and phones ring)It must cost at least $200, am I right?
R: Yeah... I mean, no! It's much less. It's $39.95.
Listen I just want to say that I (interrupted)
J: Let's take some more calls and sell some chip multipliers.
Caller 3, you're on Time Savers.
3: Lavos los manos a la casa dia...
J: Woe woe, pepe pepe! We'll have to find a Spanish-speaking operator to take your order.
Caller 4, you're on Time Savers.
4: Listen to me you crazy slug, I'm gonna find where you live and you will PAY!
J: Me pay? Why don't You pay for one of these amazing chip multipliers? You simply cannot go wrong at $39.95.
caller 5, you're on Time Savers.
5: Hello? Yeah me and my buddy were sitting here saying the word rural. He says "rurl" and I say "rur-ral" and he says "rurl... rurl" like it's not even a war-rold and it's like a noise. Anyways, needless to say we're totally stoned and I was just watching your show, but I swear you said something about the Holocaust and then something about Cubans.
My buddy doesn't believe me. Did you?
J: Yes, but it was in regard to this amazing chip multiplier.
5: Dude I told you and you owe me ten chip multipliers, payable pronto!
J: We're about out of time, but there you have it. Ten chip multipliers sold to one customer. Call now because you couldn't buy it cheaper off a drunken Indian. (Map lights up and phones ring)
The orders! The orders are just pouring in and we'll see you next time here on Amazing Time Savers.
DISCLAIMER: The racial and ethnic slurs in the preceeding infomercial were used for the sole purpose of demonstrating that bigotry of any kind has no place in our society. Of course, this would be obvious to anyone who isn't a retard.
You were there.