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By C. Jake Williams. May 22, 2008
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I'm gonna warn you, there will be very little cohesion within today's words. Weak transitions will reign, assuming they show up at all, and there will be no tie-everything-together paragraph to package everything that follows into a neatly wrapped box at the end.
A lot of you have asked what my work schedule is down here in Salt Lake, and until recently I couldn't give you an answer. My brother couldn't really plan my hotel hours without knowing what the Deseret News had planned for me and the DesN flatout refused to plan anything out for me. Until recently.
I'm working Monday, Tuesday and Thursday mornings at the paper along with Friday nights. Day shifts are 10 a.m. or so until 4 p.m. or so and nights start at 8 p.m. and end when the work is done. I expect this schedule to be constantly amended, but at least I have some idea of when I'll be working now.
That means my hotel schedule will remain Monday thru Thursday nights, midnight to 8 a.m.
Speaking of the hotel (that weak-ass transition I promised makes its first appearance), tonight I checked in a guest with a heavy accent for whom we had no address in the computer. I asked for his address and he started reciting it. "1581 Inverness Way...," he said. "Can you spell that for me," I asked. "1-5-8-1..."
Just for the record you don't have to spell out numbers. Let's just cement that as a good general rule.
I don't like to be too controversial but there are a few ideas within organized religion that just don't make sense to me.
"Come on man," I want to say, "Can't you think of something better than that!"
Limbo and purgatory are today's example.
I think I know why some simian undeserving of an opposable thumb came up with these ideas, but they just seem lazy to me. I get it, you need somewhere to, uh, 'store' souls until the second coming, but couldn't you think of something a little more inspiring than floating in nothingness, free from torment and void of pleasurable experience? That's called death, not limbo.
It's also called watching the WNBA. Except that's painful. Bad example.
Wouldn't a much easier way out of the wait between death and salvation/damnation be to just attribute time as an Earthly condition for which souls are not bound? Hell (terrible word choice, I realize), that even adds to how powerful God is. And since She's all-powerful, that shouldn't be a contradiction.
When you die, your soul is shuttled forward to the moment of the second coming. It doesn't sit around like a remote control between American Idol episodes just wishing things could happen quicker. Your soul just leaps ahead in time (or at least that's how we perceive it).
Shane is right: The San Antonio Spurs somehow managed to collect every easy-to-hate player in the NBA onto one roster. There is no circumstance under which I could cheer for Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili, Bruce Bowen or even head coach Gregg Popovich. None.
I have no idea how basketball fans in SA root for the home team except by agreeing that mob mentality is a hypnotic force. Maybe they don't realize who they're cheering for.
I'm looking to buy a new car (new to me definitely and new-new preferably) in the coming week. I'm leaning towards one of three Mazda3's with about 13,000 miles on them priced between $10G and $13G.
(Why are thousands of most things measured in Ks and thousands of dollars measured in Gs?)
If you have an opinion or insider knowledge about that model, drop me a line.
My parents afforded me the ability to buy a car by offering the '94 Mitsubishi Eclipse I drove during college to me as a graduation present. It's worth a few grand and gets great gas mileage. Sammy has first dibs on her, as soon as I get the clutch fixed of course. Can you believe the clutch went out the same week I decided to sell it?
I'm not saying I'm psychic, but damn I'm good! It should be fixed by Monday.
My sister-in-law Desi has started selling Scentsy wickless candles to supplement the income she'll lose after birthing my third nephew in the near (NEAR!) future. If you want to know what they are, or if you already know and want to make an order, email me with your phone number and I'll put you in contact with her. You'll be helping my family's family.
The DesN has asked me to cover Sunday's Salt Lake Bees minor league baseball game. Maybe that story will appear online AND in the doorstep version of the paper. That would be nice since my parents and grandparents don't look online much.
OK one more religious idea that bothers me. Why does marriage make sex kosher? It's a cause-and-effect relationship for religious types.
Getting married MAKES the previously sinful act of attempting procreation an acceptable act. There has to be a logical step there, but I've never heard much logic regarding it.
What is it about a gold ring encircling the 4th proximal phalange of your left hand that makes bumping uglies not just not sinful, but your duty? Usually I hear the Gomer Pyle argument that "It's about making a pact with God.". That's a logical fallacy called 'slippery slope.' If we allowed it here, why couldn't you use it to morally commit murder? Also, since you can't prove Her existence, I don't think you can use God as a crutch on this one.
While marriage is about exclusivity, procreation is about giving your species the best chance of survival. And Homo sapiens rock the procreational landscape! Think India. Think China.
I actually think we Need-with-a-capital-N a rule to slow our exponential growth, so I'm not against the marriage argument. After all, having only one partner is the opposite of having a plan B. I just need to see the logic behind it.
But enough of this (translation: you can start paying attention without thinking I'm a dumbass again).
I want people to stop sending those emails about boycotting gas pumps for one day in a national effort to show those oil tycoons who's boss. Does anyone really believe those things work? Face it, unless you're brilliant or lucky the oil executives are never going to notice you exist from beneath their golden parachutes. The best you can do is help yourself use less gas.
I wrote an article for USU a few years ago on how to spend less at the pump. Be selfish, worry about yourself because...
...that's actually the most plausible way to elicit changes on a national scale. Adam Smith, the father of modern economics, said the best result occurs when each entity in a system does what is best for itself. He was right. If every American actively took steps to lessen how much gas we buy at the pump (using both my articled advice and buying more fuel-efficient cars), then oil companies and Congress will be forced to change the way the oil industry operates.
Here's another idea: Maybe we need to increase the pressure on American automotive engineers. I forget who said it, along with when and where, but someone with a doctorate once told a crowd that less that 1% of the potential energy in gasoline is used to propel a car's passenger forward. Less than 1% efficiency. After a century of engineering! only 1% efficiency. That is unacceptable.
Imagine if that number could be increased to 20%. A Honda Civic would no longer get 30mpg, but 600! With a ten-gallon gas tank, you'd change your oil twice for every trip to a Chevron or Maverick.
It's worth looking into, right?
Because I'm shameless I'm going to ask one thing of you, my reader, before I let you consider the concepts above: Tell a friend about this website. Just as increased pressure on engineers can lead to more efficient cars, more regular readers will increase the pressure I feel to pound out long, brilliant rants four to five times a week.
Help me help me. Please?
Thank you, friends, in advance.
You were there.