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By C. Jake Williams. June 8, 2008
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The planned Game 2 diary was severely derailed by more than two variables beyond my control. Sorry.
If you find the information below entertaining, God help you.
Through three years working overnights in hotels, here is my theory for which rooms to assign to which guests.
Premise 1: People in similar situations will act similarly.
Premise 2: People acting similarly rarely notice one another.
Premise 3: The amount guests want to Feel Special is directly related to the amount they spend.
Rule 1: In general, guests should be assigned off the main floor. Being a short walk from the front desk means they'll actually walk to the front desk for stupid shit, like one of the thousand boredom-spurred questions I've received over my tenure.
No, I don't know if there's a limit to the number of apples a tree can hold. Yes, Mormons do believe you're a danger to cats. No, your son probably shouldn't play onto a table from our second-floor balcony.
Corollary 1a: Guests staying the largest number of nights should be assigned to the highest floors first. It's just better to get them away from other guests as early as possible, plus by putting them on the top floor you won't have to worry about three straight days of complaints about the elephants above them.
Rule 2: Guests who are part of Hampton's rewards program should be grouped together as much as possible. This follows from premises 1 and 2. Two rewards members likely have more in common than one member and one non-member, and having more in common they are likely to behave more like one another. If they are next to each other, they likely will notice fewer departures from their seemingly normative behavior.
Rule 3: Guests who are checking out should be grouped together as much as possible. Again, same reasoning. If the average check-out guest gets loads of sleep, then two checkouts back-to-back won't bother each other. Same for the opposite behavior.
Corollary 3a: Guests checking out on odd-numbered days should be checked into odd-numbered rooms, and evens in evens, as much as possible. (The choice is arbitrary, but odd-odd even-even adds simplicity.) This allows checkout guests to be grouped more easily, since odd rooms usually line one side of a hotel hallway with the evens along the other side.
Rule D: Families should be assigned to rooms as close to the ground floor as possible. They're loud and deaf, a deadly combination. (What does Helen Keller call her dog? MAAUUUMMEEEAATTOO!!!!)
Rule +: Guests should be assigned from the outside edge of the building in. Not only does everyone hate being next to the elevator/ice machine/vending machines, but by assigning early birds on the outside edge you can discourage these antsy Alabamans from visiting the front desk unless they actually have a question.
I'm serious, early arrivals and people from Alabama ask more questions than George Bush asks during a "Why high prices hurt America" seminar, and that's saying something.
Rule FU: Rude bastards should be assigned next to, if not within, smoking rooms.
Why? Because fuck them, that's why.
I plan to diary game 2 of the Finals tonight, which should be posted before Mr. Sun wakes up for breakfast on Monday.
Check back tomorrow or even late tonight. Thanks.
You were there.