I've peaked
. By C. Jake Williams
. November 24, 2008
. Email Jake - Email this

It occurred to me recently that anything, especially names, included in my rants are searchable on Google. As such, I don't expect to use full names of personal contacts much from here on out. I won't resort to codenames or nicknames¹ or anything of that sort, but if I feel the need to list someone close to me I'll try to do it in a way that won't show up if a potential employer Googles your identity for dirt.

This new approach will probably makes lots of readers happy, including...
-Britt in Cali, US
-K.D. in North Logan, Utah, US
-Wayne in Colorado, US
-Clintock in Wherever He's Stationed Today, US
-Shannon in Austin, Texas, US
-Pauly in York, Ontario, Canada
-Dave in Providence, Utah, US
-Sneak in Farmington, Utah, US
-Luuke² in Bleiswijk, Netherlands³

How many of our stars are really just geosynchronous satellites? I don't know and I'll probably never find out, but this summer I'm sure gonna try to find one or two for a nice conversation starter. I can just imagine sitting beside a fire, turning to the smoking-hot chick in the sweater⁴ and having the following exchange.

Me: "Hey, did you know that the star to the left of Orion's belt is delivering DirecTV to cavemen who haven't realized that cable is better?"

S-H CinS: "I had no idea!!! Is that true?"

Me: "Yes it is. Can I have your shirt?"

S-H CinS: "Sure, I don't need it. Can I have your shoes, etc?"⁵

So how can I discover which stars are really satellites? That's easy! I'm gonna plot out a heavenly area of interest early one summer night and wait for the stars to shift. Remember that the stars make one revolution of the Earth every 24 hours, so I just have to wait however long will give me a noteworthy difference in positions. Then I'll check my plot, looking for stars in the same places that they started. After a few more shifts, possibly requiring more than one night, it should be obvious which points of light are billions of miles away and which are roughly 22,500 miles above sea level.

I've peaked intellectually. Not currently though, I mean that my best days are behind me and that I need to work to get back to where I was six months ago, the day I interviewed for the Associate Editor job at the Sanpete Messenger.

I had been writing almost daily at the time and had just finished my philosophical and journalistic studies. My mind was active, my spirits were high, and my ideas were worth referencing⁶.

Since then I've read less, written only sporadically, and realized that I retained little of my chemistry knowledge after a three-year layoff. I'm getting it back, but the light at the end of the tunnel is still a pinpoint of the horizon compared to just six months ago, when I earned a job I had no business in securing. If the Messenger hadn't taken more than 100 days after the interview to offer me the spot, I would have skipped the reporter aspect of journalism almost completely. Instead, I'm learning all 83 ways to draw C₄H₁₄NO₃.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still happy with my choice of school over Messenger, and maybe in six months I'll end up in Manti anyways, but between interview and organic chemistry I definitely lost some of my mental ability. I'll get it back.

I have more to say but the sun is almost up. It's damn cold in Logan this week, so remember to laugh at your coat wherever you are today. You probably won't need it, but mom you'll be happy to know that mine is about to come off its hanger⁷.

Notes:

1. My girlfriend, Pinky, will likely be the most common exception. And yes, she does in turn call me Brain.

2. Not a typo, I guess the name of your city wasn't goofy enough for your parents. Lucky you, Luuke!

3. Raise your hand if you've ever mixed up the Netherlands and Holland. Come on now, put up a paw, because there's not an American alive who hasn't interchanged the two. You're not alone so don't be embarrassed, and I'm here to clear up this mess for you. Think of England. Er... Great Britain. Just as Great Britain is comprised of four countries, England being the one that houses London, the Netherlands is broken into twelve provinces. Two of those twelve are North Holland and South Holland.

Long story short, the Netherlands and Holland are not the same things. Think of a hallway and you'll always remember which one is part of the whole, as a Hall is always part of a larger Land⁸.

4. There's something about firepit lighting that makes any female wearing a sweater look two steps higher on the 1-10 scale. The effect isn't quite like beer goggles, but once the sun comes out the regretful realization that she was actually more of 7 than a 9 can make you wish you had a hangover.

5. This is usually where the conversation diverges from Ideal.

6. Unlike this one.

7. Yeah right! ;-)

8. If you can think of more clever way to say this, I'm Ross Perot.

You were there.