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By C. Jake Williams. February 14, 2009
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Wow! I can't believe the reactions I got from my NonymousFriend/Gmail idea yesterday. I guess I should apologize to the person who thinks I'm a "blabbering asshole", but I'd rather tell you to GFY. That seems more up my alley, right?
To the rest of you respondents, thank you so much for your kind words. Oh and since they are the most common requests, I'll make an effort to keep throwing emotion into my rants while also updated the site more often than once per month. Good ideas all around. Thanks again.
Keep the comments coming and happy Valentine's Day.
On to the topic I promised yesterday: the Jake Williams Theory of Tickling.
Really there's one premise to my approach that takes priority to all other thoughts on the subject. Touch the places that rarely are touched.
The face is a great example of skin cells that are rarely stimulated by slow, soft sensations. The forehead, lips, and just outside of each eye are the most sensitive parts above my shoulders. This may or may not have something to do with the fact that I'll defend with fists against anyone trying to touch them without permission. They never are touched, so their nerves are easy to awaken.
The other areas I've found work well include the palms of hands, armpits, upper chest, spine starting in the middle of the back and going up, and of course anywhere that is Always covered by cotton.
You'll notice I didn't include the legs at all. Maybe this is an egregious omission, but I have terrible circulation below the equator so my nerves react to touch about as violently as I react when Doug Williams tells a joke.
So that covers the where, now to the how. Along the same lines of touching spots that aren't touched much, it's also important to touch where the subject isn't expecting to be touched. I'm not talking about jumping from head to toe faster than a schizo changes personalities; I mean it more localized.
Don't use repetitious, predictable movements. Moving your fingers in straight lines will make me want to sleep, but only after getting into my car and driving to Anywhere You're Not. Circles are better, but randomized curves are best. I think about smoke swirls while I'm tickling. You can't predict where a patch of smoke will be in one second, and I never know exactly which direction my fingers will travel.
To nail or not to nail? This is more gender neutral than you may think, because too much or too little scratching makes tickling less enjoyable. Guys usually don't have to worry about too much, but often girls forget to stay away from too little. Just as 20% of taste is controlled by the human sense of smell, part of tickling comes from the sensation we call scratching.
Before I get to today's video, I need to express how happy I am that Alex "Captain Purplelips" Rodriguez admitted to using performance enhancing drugs. And really I'm happy with both parts of it, happy that he manned up to his mistake and happy that his legacy is tarnished by cheating. It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy to receive a $250 million contract!
I love champagne!
Today's video closer is a flashback to Game 5 of the 2004 NBA Playoff series between the Spurs and Lakers. Tim Duncan puts the Spurs up by one with an incredible shot over Shaquille O'Neal, but leaves the Lakers with 0.4 seconds to make their comeback.
The ball ends up in Derek Fisher's hands, and he throws up a ridiculous shot to win the game. Only a lefty could have made that shot. He catches the ball on the left side of the court, turns right, and releases in 0.4 seconds, something a right-hander simply could not have done. Great play.
Remember the Alamo, San Antonio loses again.
You were there.